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Podcast: Gabriel Over the White House (1933)

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Gabriel Over the White House President

Journey with us, gentle listener, as we go back to a simpler time. A more wholesome time. A time before Hollywood had put the Hays Code into force. A time when America looked for a hero to create jobs, put an end to gangsterism, and finally shut down Congress once and for all! In 1933 MGM gave us such a hero in Gabriel Over the White House, the stirring story of a man getting hit on the head and hearing angelic voices that tell him to heroically bully his way into becoming a benevolent dictator.

Join Nick and I as we go back to the halcyon days when the president literally goes mad and then gets a lot of power, and is seen as a beneficent hero by almost all non-gangsters.

The advantage of a movie so old is you can watch the whole damn thing on YouTube! The full version is here:


Notes:
  • Nick apologizes for his slightly offensive 1930s style African American gentleman's voice, but the movie started it! It's a commentary on the limited movie roles for African American actors in the first half of the 20th century.
  • While President Hammond does talk of annihilating death rays, there is no mention of giant mecha robots, a la Metal Wolf Chaos.
  • Some information on Pre-Code Hollywood i.e. the FUN Hollywood before couples slept in separate beds and people could flush toilets in movies (I presume).

Podcast: Barbarian Queen (1985)

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Lana Clarkson Barbarian Queen

Get ready for some ancient Roman sword and sandal fun! Except for, of course, the 25 minute rape torture dungeon lull in the third act. It's Roger Cormon's Red Sonja ripoff Barbarian Queen! Starring Phil Spector's murder victim (Lana Clarkson) the Queen embarks on an ill-conceived mission to avenge her village's destruction and rescue her fiance Argan.

The trailer is NSFW.

On the way she encounters a bunch of guys who attempt/succeed in raping her. Luckily her kegel skills help her out of a few torture-chamber-related jams. She also meets the daughter of the resistance leader, and she bears a striking resemblance to the son from Mrs. Doubtfire.
Matthew Lawrence Barbarian Queen
Matthew Lawrence or girl from Barbarian Queen? You Decide.
Some other notes:
  • Chris remembers the names of tertiary characters from Masters of the Universe.
  • Tarantino, remember to call us so we can improve the script for this movie.
  • Ways to make BQ better: 40% more consensual sex, add a love story, incorporate the rebels more, bawdy burlesque show.

Podcast: The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift (2006)

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Tokyo Drift Lucas Black

Take a ride with Chris and Nick through the streets of Tokyo as 30 year old teenager Sean (Lucas Black) learns the ins and outs of balding his tires with ruthless efficiency in The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift. Bow Wow appears as a normal teenager who deals not drugs and Sonny Chiba classes up this movie about ten fold. Also Brad from Home Improvement plays the most convincing teenager of the whole bunch.

Other notes:

Arrested Development Season 4 Is Relevant to Our Interests

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Unless you've been trapped inside of a rock due to a failed magic trick, you must have heard that Netflix released Arrested Development Season 4 in its entirety over the weekend. While the return of a long-canceled sit-com is not normally the domain of YSM, this season has one bit that's particularly relevant to our interests. Mild Spoiler alert after cut:

MST3k Arrested Development
What, they couldn't get Mike?


This season of AD introduces Debris, a physically ill, out of work actor with a law license and a drug habit, played by Maria Bamford. Her character's most notable work (outside of numerous volumes of "Straightbait") is her part in a 90's Fantastic Four film, produced on a shoe-string budget to retain the rights for a later release. There is even a cutaway to Joel and the gang watching this version of Fantastic Four a la MST3K.

Maria Bamford Invisible Girl Debris David Cross Tobias Thing
Maria Bamford as Debris, David Cross as the Rock Monster


If this sounds familiar, it's because there really was a rights-preserving, un-released Fantastic Four film from the 90's, and it really is terrible, as we discussed in our podcast review last year. It should also be noted that AD's version of the unreleased FF movie is fictional, as is its portrayal of the cast. While no one in the Roger Corman FF went on to mega-stardom, Rebecca Staab, the actual 1994 Invisible Girl, has worked semi-regularly for the past two decades, transitioning into "mom" roles, and, to my knowledge, has never dressed up in her old costume on Hollywood Boulevard to get her photo taken with tourists. I'm sure she has a happy, successful life, and barely ever loses her teeth.

Rebecca Staab Glee
Rebecca Staab, the 1994 Invisible Girl, showing up in an episode of Glee. Work is work.

Podcast: Jade (1995)

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The dour looking woman from Men in Black and Dogma (Linda Fiorentino) and David Caruso (YEEEAAAAHHHHHHH!!!) star in this Joe Eszterhas-penned William Friedkin directed erotic thriller about a detective Assistant District Attorney investigating his ex-girlfriend as a possible murderer. Aside being very well shot, and some really awesome car chases, this leaves something to be desired. The ending is also especially infuriating.


Jade made an abysmally low amount of money at the box office; $9 million total gross for a $50 million budget. This effectively killed David Caruso's movie career and stymied Friedkin's ability to work even more.

Some observations:
  • Do check out some of the chase scenes on YouTube. If Friedkin is good at anything it's a chase scene.
  • Some of the "kinky sex" shown in this film resembles the baffling fake sexual tips of Cosmo.
  • Eszterhas's other flop Showgirls (which we've also reviewed) came out a mere three weeks before Jade. You think this effected some of the reviews?

Podcast: The Last Airbender (2010)

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Aang Last Airbender Shymalan

M. Night Shyamalan writes and directs this adaptation of the popular Nickelodean show. It has the same skilled writing and energized fight scenes as the show except not at all. It's actually a stilted rushed mess that muddies up the quality of the source material, laden with lazy exposition and non-sensical character mood swings. And everyone mispronounces their own names. Starring the kid from Slumdog Millionaire and no one else.



Some Other Notes:
  • Peebending inevitably leads to bloodbending.
  • AS YOU KNOW...
  • We eagerly await the return of Exposition Boy in The Last Airbender 2: Bend Harder.
  • "We were trapped under the water of the ocean. Thanks for saving me!"

Podcast: The Spy Who Loved Me (1977)

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Jaws teeth Spy Who Loved Me

Special guest and resident James Bond expert Vincent Goodwin picks one of his most loathed 007 films: 1977's The Spy Who Loved Me. Starring Roger Moore as Bond, and Ringo Starr's coked-out wife Barbara Bach as the porno inspired Agent XXX, this one features the super-ish villain Stromberg as he kidnaps way more nuclear subs than he needs in order to fulfill his lifelong fantasy of a world under the sea.


The film also introduces the metal-toothed Jaws (Richard Kiel) and makes very little sense, jumping from action setpiece to action setpiece as Roger Moore diddles around in front of a rear projection screen and insults women drivers. It does feature the great but bizarrely mellow karaoke staple "Nobody Does It Better" as its theme.

Some notes:
  • There was some digression as Nick references Never Say Never Again, the non-canon Bond movie where a 97 year old Sean Connery battles the villain in a WarGames style death video game.
  • Check out Vincent Goodwin's comics on Amazon!
  • Composer Marvin Hamlisch (The Way We Were, A Chorus Line) provides the uneven score, which swings from Carly Simon to funkadelic disco to the Bond theme to Carly Simon (saxophone instrumental) to the Lawrence of Arabia score.
  • Despite TSWLM's feminist leanings, Agent XXX is relatively dead-eyed and helpless, while a smug Roger Moore insults her driving. It's sad when the next film, 1979's Moonraker, provides a much more progressive female lead with a character named Holly Goodhead.

Late to the Party Review: After Earth is Not a Good Film

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Unless your sole source of movie information is a blog/podcast site about bad movies, you probably know by now that After Earth, the $130 million dollar budgeted Will Smith/M. Night Shyamalan project, is not a good film. Rotten Tomato "Top Critics" weighed in by saying things like:
"The story trajectory is so obvious that one of Shyamalan's cheesy surprises would have been welcome..."
"After Earth merits comparison with 2000's Battlefield Earth..."
and
"Impossible to take seriously."
After Earth Will Smith Jaden fear
The robots in the new I, Robot sequel
I finally took the time to see the film at a second run dollar theater (actually $2 in today's economy), and felt I got my money's worth only to see how many bad ideas could be put on display in a single film. The movie is a "boy survives in the woods" story off a 4th grade reading list, but with silly science fiction trappings that likely made it more expensive and limited its domestic audience.

Will Smith plays the ludicrously named "Cypher Raige" with a practiced coldness and half-hearted English accent, except for the one or two times when he gets mad and teases the audience with the Will Smith America knows and loves. His son Jaden plays "Kitai Raige," a cowardly 13 year old who can't get on the equivalent of the starfleet varsity team, despite his ability to run away at record speeds. People who have seen the trailer or other movies might think in the end the two might come to some sort of better understanding of each other, the son recognizing his father loves him, with the father shedding a prideful tear/showing human emotion of any kind. That sort of happens, as Jaden learns to "be a man," but there's really no indication that Will Smith's character was ever wrong.

Jaden Smith After Earth fear crying
Jaden's face through about 90% of the film.
Both actors have been criticized for their performances, but I'm not sure that it's a lack of talent so much as really poor choices by both the actors and the director. Smith is playing a sort of generic "military dad," but shows only a surface level coldness. His as-if statement seems to be that he really doesn't love his son, because there's virtually none of the internal struggle that movies with characters like this use to show that Chris Cooper's not such a bad guy, he just seems really mean.

Similarly, Jaden's choices seem to revolve around playing "scared" as though he's in near constant-terror. When he seemed to nearly have a panic attack in an early scene, I thought maybe there'd be some explanation of why he's like this, but I think the answer is just that he's a kid with some trauma. But "fear" is played up to the exclusion of basically everything else. Jaden never shows any signs of having "fun" (no one in the film does), but he spends most of the movie acting like a cowardly cartoon character, one step away from covering his face with his shuddering limbs. The result of these choices make the two characters that are the only people on screen for 95% of the movie extremely unlikable: nobody likes cold fish or fraidy cats. Maybe Jaden really is that bad an actor (and a few scenes where he tries to be mad or sad don't help his case), but I know Smith is capable of better, and that somebody chose to make him stoic and bland.

After Earth take a knee Jaden Smith
One of several knee-takings. 
We pointed out in our podcast review of The Last Airbender that Shyamalan has become an incredibly poor screenwriter, and more of that is on display here. The movie makes a tremendous exposition dump in the first 2-3 minutes, and the story structure is about as formulaic Joe Campbell theory as it gets. We also inexplicably learn that modern slang has survived for thousands of years, as Will Smith repeatedly tells Jaden to do things "a.s.a.p." or asks him to "take a knee" as though he were a pee-wee football coach. The one advantage to Jaden being alone in front of a green screen for 85% of the film is it cuts the amount of stilted dialogue the audience has to endure. The film is also almost completely humorless: I understand the central premise is not particularly funny, but the inability to find even occasional moments of levity in a movie where a main character is named "Cypher Raige" is inexcusable. Star Trek showed us the same monotone dystopia and could still find funny moments in nearly every incarnation, because the premise is inherently a bit silly.

The film's relationship with nature similarly makes poor choices left and right. Smith and Shyamalan clearly want 6th graders to identify "man vs. nature" as a conflict for their book reports on After Earth, and so Cypher Raige says things like "everything has evolved to kill humans," even though humans abandoned the planet for thousands of years. The ship was also carrying an "Ursa" a genetically engineered fear-smelling monster (not a bear) that can't sense people at all when they're not afraid of it, for "training" purposes. Predictably this leads to a third act showdown. Ursas are also a sort of nemesis for the Raige family after one killed Senshi Raige (Zoe Kravitz, another child of a "Different World" cast member).

The film takes great pains to introduce Moby Dick as a motif, offering ready-made comparisons with this Ursa. And of course, who could forget how Moby Dick ends- with Captain Ahab's son killing the whale even after the whale has been neutralized as a threat, getting his proper revenge!

Kitai's journey features several other encounters with animals, and even though he's the hero, he's a jerk in basically all of them. He's chased by giant baboons only after he hits one in the head with a thrown rock for no reason. Later, he is grabbed by a Condor and doesn't seem to notice as it mourns the loss of its babies. The condor then saves him from death by digging a hole and sticking him in it, even though it means the condor ends up freezing to death. Kitai manages a muted "thanks" to the bird that saved his dumb life, and then realizes the bird is frozen and just kind of wanders off. Finally, he kills a monster that has no idea where he is and is no longer a threat to him- I guess this is more acceptable than picking fights with monkeys or letting condors sacrifice their lives for you, but only barely.

At the end of the day, After Earth is a pretty bad movie that makes a lot of poor choices at almost every level, but the film suffers from pacing problems and director choices more than something legendarily bad like Battlefield Earth. Comparisons have been made to Scientology, but the biggest thing that jumped out to me was Cypher Raige's refusal to take any sort of pain medication because it might cause side effects, even though he had two broken legs. It's not the incomprehensible love-letter to L. Ron Hubbard that Battlefield was, so I didn't find any problem with it. Mostly this film is just a waste of an actor with great screen presence and further proof that Shyamalan has lost his ability to tell an engaging story.

Podcast: Robot Jox (1989)

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We prep for this weekend's Pacific Rim by reviewing the OTHER non-Japanese live-action robot fighting movie: Stuart Gordon's Robot Jox!


In a post apocalyptic world where war is banned, noted illiterate Achilles (Gary Graham) wows the drunken NASCAR crowd with his elite robot fighting skills against the thinly-veiled Soviet Alexander (Paul Koslo), as they duke it out for precious Alaskan resources. Also there is a robot chainsaw penis.

If you like what you hear, you can watch the entire movie on YouTube. Don't worry, the uploader says it's fair use so it therefore must be.


Some Notes:
  • The Robot Jox referees are some of the worst in the business. They let Alexander murder NINE OPPONENTS without repercussions.
  • Alaska's state nickname is, in fact, "The Last Frontier."
  • More resource-efficient alternatives to giant robot fighting: soccer, baseball, chess, games of chance, horse racing, regular fighting, horse fighting, arm wrestling, robot arm wrestling...
  • Could Kenny Loggins cut us a deal on a Robot Jox theme song? Lyrics idea: ROBOT JOX! FIGHTIN' FOR THE RESOURCES!

Podcast: House of the Dead (2003)

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Stock up on quarters and let's head down to the arcade. It's Uwe Boll's first foray into the video game movie with 2003's House of the Dead! Special guest Nathan Smith joins us as we dig in to one of our favorite bad movies.


A group of teenage 20-something 30 year olds bribe a cartoonish fisherman (Clint Howard) and a grizzled U-Boat captain (Jürgen Prochnow) into taking them to an island in the Pacific Northwest for the most awesomest daytime rave coastal British Columbia has ever seen! They're attacked by zombies and an insane Spanish scientist who wants to be immortal by living forever.


Some notes:
  • This is arguably the best of the Uwe Boll horrible video game movies.
  • At 35:25 Nick makes an EGREGIOUS Tolkien error and never hears the end of it.
  • Followed up immediately at 36:02 where we discuss a troubling confrontation with a comic book vendor and our piss-poor knowledge of obscure comic book characters.
  • Not included: the gritty behind the scenes documentary exposing the seedy underbelly of  corporate sponsored raves

Podcast: Cool World (1992)

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Nick and Chris get back on track as we review the nonsensical animation/live action Brad Pitt vehicle Cool World!

It's Who Framed Roger Rabbit for perverts as Holli Would (Kim Basinger), a nymphomaniac cartoon character attempts to seduce Jack Deebs (Gabriel Byrne), a hugely popular comic book creator who may be suffering from mental problems. Holli draws Jack into the "cool world," a horrible nightmare world where cartoon characters murder each other all day. Meanwhile Detective Frank Harris (Pitt) tries to keep the peace and enforce the most important law of Cool World: that noids (humans) and doodles (cartoons) cannot, under any circumstances, have sex. It should be noted the film is not nearly as easy to follow as this description. Join us as we try to stay cool while outlining everything that's wrong with this movie.


Stray Observations:
  • A 75 foot tall "Holli Would" character was placed on top of the "D" on the Hollywood Sign in 1992, drawing mild protests from the handful of people in Los Angeles who care about the Hollywood Sign.
  • Part of our ongoing "Cool Series" (see: Cool Dog).
  • The first rule of Cool World: Noids don't have sex with Doodles. The second rule of Cool World: Don't tell someone not to do something because that person will immediately do it. 

    Podcast: Jonah Hex (2010)

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    Jonah Hex begs the question "Is an 81 minute movie with no plot still a movie?" Starring Josh Brolin, John Malkovich, Megan Fox, and Michael Fassbender, Hex goes after Quentin Turnbull, the man who murdered his family and scarred his face. Meanwhile Turnbull executes a series of daring raids to assemble a superweapon designed by none-other than famous inventor guy Eli Whitney!


    Our special guest Patrick Regan, who portrayed an extra in the film, provides us with exclusive anecdotes from the set, be it the second unit's insightful direction ("do some stuff!") or the insane Civil War re-enactors the production hired instead of stuntmen.

    Jonah Hex, starring (from L to R): Michael Fassbender, special guest Pat Regan, and John Malkovich.
    Patrick is a screenwriter based out of Los Angeles. For the hundreds of Hollywood producers who listen to the podcast, you can follow him on Twitter @UnderwoodFive.

    You should also follow this dog.


    Some notes:

    Podcast: Gigli (2003)

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    By listener request, it's 2003's epic Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez flop Gigli! Two low-level mobsters kidnap the mentally handicapped brother (Justin Bartha) of the District Attorney and house him in Ben Affleck's lush Los Angeles condo.


    Meanwhile Jennifer Lopez goes on long rambling rants about how great her vagina is, and Justin Bartha sings "Baby Got Back" in mentally handicapped blackface. We discuss Al Pacino's descent into acting madness, the unrealistic stage-y nature of this film, its (possibly exaggerated) reputation, and eerie casting parallels to Tommy Wiseau's The Room.

    Some notes:
    • The IMDb synopsis, in its entirety:
      • Gigli, a lowly and inept hitman, is assigned a job by the mob to kidnap a mentally retarded brother of a California district attorney. Gigli abducts the brother from his mental hospital and holds him hostage in his apartment. Ricki, a "lesbian assassin", is sent to oversee Gigli's job and make sure he doesn't screw it up. Comedic high jinks ensue as the two go on the lam and start to fall in love. 
    • Inspired by the Batman/Superman movie, our casting choices for Gigli/The Room crossover:
      • Ben Affleck = Johnny
      • Jennifer Lopez = Lisa
      • Justin Bartha = Denny
      • Gigli's Boss = Chris-R
      • Gigli's Mom = Claudette (role reversal)
      • Christopher Walken = Peter
      • Al Pacino = Steven (a.k.a. "Guy Who Replaced Peter")
      • Crazy Lesbian Girlfriend = Mark

    Podcast: Ready to Rumble (2000)

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    Your Stupid Minds returns to its roots with a very special "wrestler" themed podcast as we review the 2000 buddy/road movie/wrestling commercial Ready to Rumble. David Arquette and Scott Caan play two... sanitation workers(?) that love wrestling, and when evil promoter Titus Sinclair (Joe Pantoliano) performs a classic "screwjob" to take the belt from their hero, Jimmy King (Oliver Platt), the two help to train King for his big re-match with the evil Diamond Dallas Page.


    Some Notes:
    • As part of the marketing campaign for the movie, David Arquette, the actor, was made WCW Champion very briefly in 2000. He lost the title back in a "triple cage" match similar to the movie's finale.
    • Ready to Rumble's soundtrack could be used as a time capsule for the late 90s/early 2000s, featuring:
      • TWO Kid Rock songs ("Cowboy" and "Bawitdaba")
      • "My Own Worst Enemy," Lit (played twice)
      • "Freestyle," P.O.D.
      • "Jump Around," Everlast/House of Pain
      • "How Deep is Your Love," The Bee Gees (wait, how did that get in there?)
    • The story of Jimmy King being "screwed" by Titus Sinclair has several similarities to a real life issue between WCW promoter Eric Bischoff and aging star Ric Flair. Flair, a noted alcoholic, was fired for allegedly missing a show in the spring of 1998 and filed a lawsuit (in real life) against the company he had helped to build. By late 1998 he was back in WCW.
    • Randy Savage and Perry Saturn (aka the bald home invasion wrestler) no longer worked for WCW by the time this movie was released. Additionally, DDP was a top babyface (good guy) when the movie came out. As of 2013, only Randy Savage (heart attack while driving) and Bam Bam Bigelow (drug overdose) have died.
    • Brian Robbins, the director, has made plenty of other movies from this era that are generally reviled, including:
      • The Perfect Score
      • The Shaggy Dog
      • Norbit
      • Meet Dave
    • Diamond Dallas Page seems like a really cool guy in real life, as he developed a yoga/weight loss program and has offered free assistance to troubled wrestlers like Jake the Snake Roberts and Scott Hall. His YouTube channel is here.
    • Ahmet Zappa plays a rude convenience store clerk and Dweezil Zappa produced and performed DDP's entrance music.

      Podcast: LOL (2012)

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      One of the most infuriating movies of all time, it's Miley Cyrus's vanity project LOL! About a bunch of privileged, Adonis-like bourgeois white kids from inner-city Chicago, LOL sets itself up as social commentary and then never delivers. Featuring Queen Twerker Miley Cyrus as the obnoxious Lola, the film putters around for a while before deciding to include a trip to 18th century France and an obligatory third act battle of the bands.


      Some notes:
      • Sorry for bringing up a) Miley Cyrus's appearance and b) twerking.
      • SNL, as you gear up for Cyrus's episode, please take note of our spot-on Barack Obama imitations.
      • This movie is horrible and you should not watch it, but if you wanted to watch it, it's available on Netflix.
      • Nick's Miley Cyrus imitation sounds more like Lumpy Space Princess from Adventure Time.

      Podcast: Dracula 3D (2012)

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      Dario Argento returns with his unique take on the well-traversed Dracula story... but this time in 3D! Daughter Asia Argento and Rutger Hauer get in on the fun as we explore the wonders of CGI wolves, horrible French accents, poorly-designed jails, nudity, partially rendered computer animation, and giant killer praying mantises. Everything you remember from Bram Stoker's seminal work! The always hilarious Adam Pecht guest stars in this episode.


      Some notes:
      • If you're wondering if the 3D will ruin this movie, we're not entirely sure this is possible.
      • Everyone in town is dead, including the innkeeper's wife, who we assume died of grief.
      • Once again Dario Argento directs his daughter in a film where she's naked. Fool me once, Dario, shame on me. Fool me seven times, definitely shame on you.
      • See some of our many other written reviews of Dario Argento films.

      Podcast: Vampirella (1996)

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      You WILL get fooled again… with another vampire episode before we finish out October. It's the exploitation direct-to-Showtime comic book adaptation, 1996's Vampirella!


      On the planet Drakulon, featuring a race of alien vampires that drinks rivers of blood, Vampirella (Talisa Soto, a.k.a. Kitana from Mortal Kombat) travels to earth to avenge her father's murder by the puffy-shirted Vlad (Roger Daltrey of The Who/YEEEAAAAAAHHHHHH). The sexily dressed vamp retains none of the weaknesses of Vlad's dumb vampire clan, and she works with the secret MIB-style organization PURGE and its hotshot agent Adam Van Helsing (Richard Joseph Paul) to bring Vlad down and teach the earth a thing or who about bloodsucking, cleavage, and child murder.

      Some notes:
      • We apologize for the somewhat disparaging and relevant comments regarding Cal Ripkin Jr.
      • Directed by the Joyce Carol Oates of exploitation schlock: Jim Wynorski, who also brought us Chopping Mall, as well as some amazingly named softcore pornos such as The Witches of Breastwick, The Bare Wench Project, and Cleavagefield.
      • Ultimately, the 4:3 aspect ratio and VHS quality DVD transfer, this feels like a very cheap double episode of The X-Files.

      Direct download

      Podcast: The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (2003)

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      We finally cover the much maligned, needlessly complex, and American-ified The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen starring Sean Connery in his last big-screen role. Sloppily adapted from an Alan Moore comic, LXG as Moore would not want to call it is about a group of British literary characters who form the first super team at the end of the 19th century.


      Allan Quatermain, Mina Harker, Dorian Gray, the Invisible Man, Mr. Hyde, Captain Nemo and (sigh) Tom Sawyer team up to stop the Fantom, who seeks to… blow up some things and… steal some powers. Chris and Nick discuss plans for a B-Team League, as well as a super team featuring real characters of history. A poor impersonation of Ira Glass appears to plead for your support.

      Some Notes:
      • B-Team League: Varney the Vampire, Ralph Ellison's Invisible Man, Jane Eyre, Dr. Frankenstein, Ishmael
      • History League: Nicola Tesla, Alfred Nobel, Annie Oakley, Teddy Roosevelt, Andrew Carnegie (in a steel suit), Queen Liliuokalani, Ishmael
      • Alan Moore and Todd MacFarlane, if you could confirm that you listen to the podcast that'd be great thanks.
      • Listen to Ira Glass at the end of the episode, folks! We. Need. Your. Support! Like us on Facebook, rate and review us on iTunes. We might give you a neat YSM tote-bag (but probably not).

      Direct download

      Podcast: American Strays (1996)

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      If you enjoy Pulp Fiction, you'll love our latest review: American Strays! It's a movie that feels like a grad school writing project written the day after watching Pulp Fiction!


      Like Pulp Fiction, it features an all-star ensemble cast, as Eric Roberts (DOA, The Expendables), Sam Jones (Flash Gordon), Luke Perry (90210), John Savage (The Godfather Part 3), Scott Plank (recurring on Melrose Place), Jennifer Tilly (Bride of Chucky), and Carol Kane (everything) all feature in several interconnecting extended monologues delivered by various criminals. Join us as we discuss tragic real-life shootings, wonder how bad diner service can get, and ponder if this is the worst Eric Roberts performance we've ever seen. Guest starring museum librarian and power listener Sarah Long.


      Notes:
      • If you told Chris that Luke Perry was a ghost in this movie, he'd believe you.
      • Imagine a world where Michael Madsen plays everyone in this movie.
      • Other possible titles: Junkyard Mutts, Trash Biography, Sewer Pups, Kitsch Encyclopedia.

      Direct download

      Podcast: Dungeons & Dragons (2000)

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      From the studio that brought you the Lord of the Rings trilogy, it's the vastly inferior fantasy tale Dungeons & Dragons! Taking a cue from Star Wars (by which we mean ripped off wholesale), D&D tells the story of the thief Ridley (Justin Whalen) and his cowardly black stereotype friend Snails (Marlon Wayans). The pair teams up with a mage, dwarf, and elf to get a map to acquire the jewel to get the rod to do something or whatever. Also starring Thora Birch as the Amidala-like empress, and the always amazing Jeremy Irons as the evil mage Profion.


      Chris and Nick compare the movie to other fantasy dreck (such as the eerily similar Eragon, also starring Irons), the anti-Semitic Legolas in The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug, why the Hero's Journey doesn't work for a D&D movie, and who thought it was a good idea to add areolae to the Elf's breastplate.

      Some Notes:
      Direct download
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