Podcast: Hard to Kill (1990)

January 2, 2014, 7:01 pm

≫ Next: Podcast: Generation X (1996)

≪ Previous: Podcast: Dungeons & Dragons (2000)

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Our first foray into the pudgy ponytailed Judo master Steven Seagal, it’s one of his earliest films: Hard to Kill! Mason Storm is the greatest cop in the world, fantastic father, amazing lover, and extremely well hung. When he’s gunned down by the mob while having hot sex with his gorgeous wife, he’s in a coma for seven years and misses the transition of one (1) president.

Kelly LeBrock's tearaway dress.

He awakens in 1990 to find the mob still after him, and his British nurse (Kelly LeBrock) hitting on his unconscious body. See Steven Seagal snap necks, suck in his gut, and run like a little girl.

Some Notes:

• Our reference to a better movie: Francis Ford Coppola's The Conversation, available streaming on Netflix.
• Steven Seagal runs like a girl.
• Imagine, if you will, Seagal at his middle school reunion. Snapped wrists everywhere. Blood all over the gymnasium.

Direct download

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Podcast: Generation X (1996)

January 16, 2014, 8:11 pm

≫ Next: Podcast: Bailey's Billion$ (2005)

≪ Previous: Podcast: Hard to Kill (1990)

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Travel back with us as we appreciate 25 things that only 90s kids will get: all of which take place in the movie Generation X! A mere four short years before Fox's breakout hit X-Men (nearly 300 million worldwide), came Generation X (0 dollars worldwide), the final Marvel film made by New World Pictures, the former owners of Marvel Comics and the studio that gave us the Punisher, Captain America, and the Fantastic Four (New World was bought out by 20th Century Fox in 1997). Unlike Fantastic Four, this film was released on television, where it was apparently pitched as a TV pilot. It was not picked up. Join us as we discuss mutant power levels, dream dimensions, and Jim Carrey's performance in Batman Forever.

The film is available entirely on YouTube:

Some notes:

• An X-Men Arcade game is clearly visible in the background of a scene that takes place at an arcade.
• 90% of all businesses in the 90s were arcades.
• Learn more about the Get the Chinese Out of California Act. Also known as the Chinese Exclusion Act.
• The actor that played Banshee is Canadian actor Jeremy Ratchford, who voiced Banshee in the X-Men cartoon. Despite Nick picking on his build, Ratchford was also on CBS's hit drama "Cold Case" for 7 years.
• If you enjoy making fun of comic book movies, maybe you like a humorous blog that focuses on comic books? If so, check out Chris's sister blog The Pouch Files.

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Podcast: Bailey's Billion$ (2005)

January 30, 2014, 9:40 pm

≫ Next: Podcast: D.E.B.S. (2004)

≪ Previous: Podcast: Generation X (1996)

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Your Stupid Minds makes its triumphant return to the "family" genre with another talking dog movie in the spirit of our Cool Dog episode: it's Bailey's Billion$! Jon Lovitz plays Bailey, a talking dog that only Theo Maxwell (Dean Cain, Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman) can understand.

Can Bailey help Theo set up a triple love connection between Bailey and another dog, Theo and beautiful animal rights advocate Marge Maggs (Laurie Holden, The Walking Dead), and creepy weird kid Max and Marge's daughter Sam? Or will the dastardly Caspar Pennington (Tim Curry, Beauty and the Beast: The Enchanted Christmas) and his wife Dolores (Jennifer Tilly, American Strays) ruin everything by kidnapping and/or murdering everyone to get their hands on Bailey's fortune? Tune in to find out!

Notes:

• The website is still up and is full of useful information: http://www.baileysbillions.com/ (you may have to update your flash player).
• Director David Devine weighs in on the choice to be up front about filming in Canada: “It’s ludicrous and ridiculous that some artists don’t set the story in Canada—also that various film partners don’t back Canadian ideas with more money because there are many geniuses across the country who deserve to have their stories made. The single most important thing the Canadian film business needs is a HIT picture and I mean a commercially successful picture.”
• Jennifer Tilly's wardrobe, particularly her hats, are outrageous and maybe not family-friendly.
• Stephen Tobolowsky addresses the psychology of playing the villain in Beethoven's Big Break in episode 43 of his podcast the Tobolowski Files.
• This movie features multiple scenes of a dog being chloroformed.

Direct download.

Podcast: D.E.B.S. (2004)

February 13, 2014, 8:47 pm

≫ Next: Podcast: King Solomon's Mines (1985)

≪ Previous: Podcast: Bailey's Billion$ (2005)

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It's your favorite secret lesbian romcom spy movie, 2004's D.E.B.S.! About a foursome of teenage superspies recruited through the SAT and whose personalities are dictated by skirt length. D.E.B.S. looks like your run-of-the-mill pre-teen romp, but it may actually belong in the LGBT section of your local movie rental store which may or may not exist in your town.

Lucy Diamond (Fast & Furious's Jordana Brewser) is an infamous thief specializing in jewels and large sacks with dollar signs on them. After a disastrous blind date she meets Amy (Sara Foster), the winderkind of the D.E.B.S. and her mortal enemy. The two fall in love and Amy must weigh the expectations of her peers with the expectations of her heart. Also Michael Clarke Duncan is a hologram and Devon Aoki has an atrocious french accent.

Featuring special guests Valeah Beckwith and Danielle Nasr!

The full version is on YouTube for now, so check it out!

Some Notes:

• Katherine Heigl's ZzzQuil ad.
• Spy High is already a hit book series and now a new webseries!
• The actual DVD cover (underlining mine)

Direct download.

Podcast: King Solomon's Mines (1985)

February 27, 2014, 8:39 pm

≫ Next: Podcast: Torque (2004)

≪ Previous: Podcast: D.E.B.S. (2004)

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Alan Quatermain and Golan-Globus return to the podcast with 1985's King Solomon's Mines! Richard Chamberlin, Sharon Stone, and John Rhys-Davies star in this low-budget ripoff of Raiders of the Lost Ark. Alan Quatermain and Jesse Huston must traipse across the African continent to rescue her repeatedly beaten elderly father, who's been kidnapped by World War I era Germans (NOT Nazis) so he can divulge the whereabouts of King Solomon's mines.


Using planes, trains, and automobiles, they get to the mines through cannibal tribe, voyeuristic lions, monkey people, and crocodile pit. Where does this fit into the Indiana Jones canon? Is it better or worse than Kingdom of the Crystal Skull? Only one way to find out!

Starring Bobby Moynihan as "Perverted German Guard #1."

Some notes:

• Alan Quatermain uses dynamite like a Swiss Army Knife.
• I wouldn't consider stabilized nitro glycerin to be a super-weapon, but I'm biased. Regardless, any opportunity for the French to rag on a non-French dead guy, they're gonna take it.
• Revealing mistakes:OBVIOUSLY fake railroad ties when Quatermain is dragged behind the train. OBVIOUSLY (emphasis added).

Direct Download.

Podcast: Torque (2004)

March 13, 2014, 6:47 pm

≫ Next: Podcast: Fateful Findings (2013)

≪ Previous: Podcast: King Solomon's Mines (1985)

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Music video director Joseph Kahn directs Torque, a high octane action extravaganza starring Ice Cube, Adam Scott, Jaime Pressly, and Brad Pitt (lookalike Martin Henderson). Just in case you didn’t know this wasn’t from the early 2000s, Kahn is sure to add some Dane Cook, Kid Rock, crappy CGI, and Nickelback to top everything off.


Taking place in a presumably post-apocalyptic California run by biker gangs, our hero Ford returns after a mysterious trip to Thailand to retrieve some drugs he stole from an evil lip-smacking biker gang leader. The evil gang leader kills the brother of another gang leader (Ice Cube) and frames Ford for the murder. Everyone’s out to get him, and his only plan of action is to ride away really fast on a brightly-colored crotch rocket. Also two chicks duke it out in a motorcycle fight in front of some overt cola-related product placement.

Some info:

• Just in case you've never seen this: Toy Boyz. "You're pretty fast... for someone who is a guy."
• Trey (Ice Cube) is a calm and fair biker gang leader.
• Torque settles the ongoing rivalry betwixt Pepsi and Mountain Dew. Who will rule the key 12-18 year old demographic (after Coca-Cola)?
• Often considered a heavy proponent of post-classical editing (also called "MTV style"), Torque actually uses fewer cuts than its contemporaries. Despite being a satire of the Fast and Furious franchise, the most current iterations of F&F seem to emulate (whether intentionally or unintentionally) Torque's visual style.
• We're approaching episode fifty! E-mail us if you have any requests, and be sure to like us on Facebook, rate and review on iTunes, and give us your feedback!

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Podcast: Fateful Findings (2013)

April 3, 2014, 6:57 pm

≫ Next: Podcast: Another Pair of Aces: Three of a Kind (1991)

≪ Previous: Podcast: Torque (2004)

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Your Stupid Minds celebrates its FIFTIETH episode. In keeping with our status as a cutting edge resource for all things camp, cult, genre, b, and otherwise considered bad movies, we went on a special podcast field trip to the Alamo Drafthouse for a special midnight screening of the newest entry into the bad movie canon: Fateful Findings!


Las Vegas filmmaker Neil Breen brings us his supernatural hacker romance thriller. The protagonist (played by, who else, Neil Breen) gets into a car accident and unlocks supernatural hacking powers, which he uses to hack the most secret government and corporate secrets. This doesn’t sit well with his pill popping wife Emily, who slurs her displeasure in a heavy polish accent.

Some Notes:

• Fateful Findings definitely resides on the Bad Movie Mount Rushmore, with Neil Breen’s face alongside Ed Wood, Tommy Wiseau, and James Nguyen. If someone with artistic skills could please illustrate this vision that would be great. With Wood as Washington, Wiseau as Jefferson, Nguyen as Roosevelt, and Breen as Lincoln.
• Follow us on our new Twitter account, @YourStupidMinds!
• I apologize to all the heavy Sony Vegas users out there who I may have insulted.
• "A SUSPENSEFUL, HARD HITTING THRILLER FOR THE INTERNET AGE!" - Earwolf (forums user lizanddickfan1, most likely quoting the Fateful Findings press release)
• Also forgot to mention, Your Stupid Minds is five years old yesterday. Peruse some old reviews and re-read your favorites!

Direct Download.

Podcast: Another Pair of Aces: Three of a Kind (1991)

April 21, 2014, 6:38 pm

≫ Next: Podcast: The Barbarians (1987)

≪ Previous: Podcast: Fateful Findings (2013)

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Pull up your cowboy boots and strap on your six-shooter, we’re going western this time around with Kris Kristofferson, Willie Nelson, Joan Severance, and Rip Torn in the nonsensically titled Another Pair of Aces: Three of a Kind.

Featuring the most degenerate picture tilting this side of the Rio Grande.

When Texas Ranger Rip Metcalf’s (played by Kristofferson, not Rip Torn) colleague and friend Captain Jack Parsons (who is played by Rip Torn) is accused of murder, it’s up to Rip 1 to clear his name. Noted gambler and character from the first movie Billy Roy “Ace” Rodriguez (Willie Nelson) joins him, along with the FBI agent Susan Davis (Joan Severance, who does not play a Rip, though she was in No Holds Barred which does have a character named Rip) as the token woman/love interest.

Friend and co-host Chris Dobson (left) uncannily resembles the swarthy scumbag murderer n the film (right).

Shot around Central Texas, APoA: TofK provides a great glimpse of early 90s Austin, a view covered in a cowboy hats, drab state government buildings, and not condos.

Some Notes:

• We all know Another Pair of Aces is a shameless cash grab to capitalize on Walker, Texas Ranger (which came out two years later).
• REGULATOOOOORS. Mount up!
• For a quick primer on Central Texas BBQ, please see this brief explanation from Hitler.

Direct Download.

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Podcast: The Barbarians (1987)

May 1, 2014, 4:24 pm

≫ Next: Podcast: One Tough Bastard (1996)

≪ Previous: Podcast: Another Pair of Aces: Three of a Kind (1991)

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Journey with us, listener, back into the days before Jesus banned magic, back when crossbows and saddles were common. Journey with us to the land of the 1987 Conan rip-off, The Barbarians. Because what's better than one enormously buff dude with poor enunciation? TWO identical buff dudes with poor enunciation! Peter and David Paul, aka the Barbarian Brothers, make their debut!

Notes and Observations

• Unlike previously reviewed sword-and-sandal YSM review Barbarian Queen (reviewed one year ago this week!), zero shirts are ripped and no one is sexually assaulted (on-screen), although two identically buff men do pretend to kiss to trick a guard.
• Director Ruggero Deodato is probably best known for Cannibal Holocaust and other Italian gore movies.
• The Equilibrium DVD cover doesn't actually say that it's better than The Matrix, it simply tells you to forget about The Matrix entirely.
• The IMDb description in its entirety in case it ever changes:

The young orphans Kutchek and Gore have been adopted by a tribe of clowns, mentally challenged dolphins, juggling monkeys, a transvestite magician and other forgettable entertainers. The tribe is led by the queen Canary (not an actually Canary but a Man dressed as a women dressed as a Dolphin) and its wealth stems from her magical belly hole. The evil ruler Kadar desires Canary's breasts and her magic stone hole, and attacks her clan's caravan to gain possession of them. Before the clan's defeat one of the clansmen sneak away to hide the stone. Canary is locked up in Kadar's harem, Kutchek and Gore in his quarry to be trained as gladiators, and the rest of the clan is to live as outlaws in the woods. When Kutchek and Gore have grown up to VERY big gladiators, they run away and break into Kadar's harem with the aid of the young woman Lemone aid. Canary quests them to find "The Old King's Weapons" and with these kill the dragon that guards the hidden belly hole. Afterwards they should find a new queen and give her the stone, to restore the tribe to its former glory.

• The entire flick is on YouTube, for the cheap and curious. You can also buy it from Amazon bundled with The Norsemen.
• The Brothers would have their scene in Natural Born Killers cut, but it's definitely worth checking out.

Direct Download.

Podcast: One Tough Bastard (1996)

May 16, 2014, 12:26 pm

≫ Next: Podcast: Godzilla vs. Hedorah (1971)

≪ Previous: Podcast: The Barbarians (1987)

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Lucius Malfoy takes the mound.

We return to our vague association with Kurt Wimmer (who wrote the story for the Barbarian Brothers'Double Trouble) and his 1996 revenge action film One Tough Bastard (currently streaming on Netflix). Sort of like The Crow meets Hard to Kill, OTB (also called One Man’s Justice) stars action star and washed out first round draft pick Brian Bosworth as his ex-wife and daughter are needlessly murdered by Marcus (Jeff Kober, resembling a C-Team Josh Brolin), the worst drug dealer in the world.

Members of Pearl Jam manage to steal the film's MacGuffin.

He shoots The Boz and puts him in the hospital. Once awake from his brief but refreshing coma, The Boz plots his revenge against Marcus and the skeeziest long-haired nose-pierced FBI agent in the world, Agent Karl Savak (played by Dungeons and Dragons’s Bruce Payne). Will The Boz fulfill his revenge, and exploit an inner city toddler in the process? Only one way to find out!

Some Notes:

• "The Catcher in the Fry" is, unfortunately, not an episode of Futurama.
• This movie exists in a horrible universe of ponytails, Sublime lyrics, and inner city murder.
• Also MC Hammer (at this point only going by "Hammer") is barely in this movie as the Avon Barksdale type character. He mostly sits around and lets slightly better actors do the heavy lifting for him.
• One of three movies directed by Kurt Wimmer (along with Equilibrium and Ultraviolet). He has spent most of his career writing successful and bombastic screenplays such as Salt, Law Abiding Citizen, and the Total Recall remake.
• Congratulations to longtime listener and podcast guest Nathan Smith on the birth of his second son!

Direct Download.

Podcast: Godzilla vs. Hedorah (1971)

May 29, 2014, 8:49 am

≫ Next: Podcast: Lucky Number Slevin (2006)

≪ Previous: Podcast: One Tough Bastard (1996)

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It's summer, and that means it's time for big budget blockbusters! Blockbusters like Godzilla vs. Hedorah, the overtly environmentalist smash hit kaiju film of 1971! Complete with jaunty gunslinger Godzilla, psychedelic hallucinations and dancing skeletons, and a drug-addled monster that feeds on pollution. Join us as we discuss the acting ability of a six year old, and wonder whether exposure to the smog monster has altered Godzilla's consciousness.

Notes and Observations

• The James Bond style intro and song are great
• The score for the rest of the film is pretty comical, particularly when Godzilla takes flight and his theme becomes a college fight song.
• The film has a lighter tone and is aimed more directly at children, but thousands of people die in Hedorah's attacks.
• A longtime second unit director who worked on such classics as Throne of Blood and Hidden Fortress, Yoshimitsu Banno would never direct another feature after GvH.
• Our reference to Charles Barkley challenging Godzilla to a slam dunk contest was in fact a real thing and not a Hedorah inspired hallucination.

Direct Download.

Podcast: Lucky Number Slevin (2006)

June 12, 2014, 1:28 pm

≫ Next: Podcast: Air Bud: World Pup (2001)

≪ Previous: Podcast: Godzilla vs. Hedorah (1971)

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This time around on the Your Stupid Minds podcast we present Episode 0: the secret lost podcast pilot. We originally recorded Lucky Number Slevin as our first episode back in February 2012, but ended up recording a WHOPPING 35 minutes instead of the 20 we were originally going for, so we shelved this one for a rainy day.

One of our most loathed movies, Lucky Number Slevin tells the needlessly complex and Tarantino-esque story of Slevin Kelevra (Josh Hartnett), a bath-toweled man with an impossible no-way name who navigates the machinations of two themed mobs, one led by The Boss (Morgan Freeman), the other by The Rabbi (Ben Kingsley). Slevin smugs his way through the misadventures, along the way courted by Manic Pixie Dream Girl Lindsey (Lucy Liu), and his own elaborate ulterior motive. Bruce Willis’s hairpiece also makes an appearance.

Some Notes:

• You'll notice a bit of a tonal difference between this episode and more recent ones. We originally planned to be more conversational and analytical before ultimately opting to tell more jokes about duck titties and dogs playing banjos.
• There's also a bit more initial exposition about why we started the podcast and our background in bad movies. We may be a little overly-explanatory but we wanted to make sure people knew what a podcast was and how movies exist.
• We really hope someone will write a fanfiction for The Warriors explaining the rift in the Softball Furies.

Direct download.

Podcast: Air Bud: World Pup (2001)

June 26, 2014, 2:52 pm

≫ Next: Podcast: Atlas Shrugged II: The Strike (2012)

≪ Previous: Podcast: Lucky Number Slevin (2006)

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In honor of World Cup fever, we review the most ludicrous, vaguely soccer themed movie we could find. Air Bud returns (without the original Buddy) for the third installment of the franchise: Air Bud: World Pup! Buddy and a kid who looks like Simon from 7th Heaven (Kevin Zegers) join the school’s new soccer team to impress their respective beaus: a fake British girl Emma (Brittany Paige Bouck), and her unspayed Golden Retriever. While Simon woos the girl with Natural Born Killers sunglasses and leather jackets, Buddy makes sundaes and shows up for nightly booty calls.

Meanwhile, a former dog catcher Snerbert (played by Martin Ferrero, the lawyer from Jurassic Park) stakes out Emma’s ridiculous mansion in an attempt to kidnap her dog for some reason. There’s also something about a dog playing soccer.

This episode features special guest and Chris’s sister Sarah Dobson, an expert in soccer, England, dog-ownership, and being a girl in the early 2000s.

Some notes:

• The Air Bud franchise was inspired by a real dog and amazing talent Buddy, who made frequent appearances on Letterman and played Comet on Full House. He was found as a stray by his owner in the Sierra Nevada mountains.
• Spay and neuter your pets.
• With the creepy "Simon watching British girl crabwalk" scene, we had some fun syncing up other music to accompany it. Some notable ones include: Taxi Dogger, Suspupia, The Exhowlcist, and Muttholland Drive.
• Air Bud: World Pup is available streaming on Netflix, streaming rent on Amazon, and on DVD proper.

Direct download.

Podcast: Atlas Shrugged II: The Strike (2012)

July 10, 2014, 6:10 am

≫ Next: Podcast: The Crow: Wicked Prayer (2005)

≪ Previous: Podcast: Air Bud: World Pup (2001)

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We continue our ongoing Ayn Rand series with Atlas Shrugged II: The Strike. Many of you may remember us waxing political in our episode of the first installment, and by this point we stop perpetuating a New Criticism analysis and just dig right in to all aspects of the source material, especially authorial intent. For some inexplicable reason, the filmmakers completely recast everyone, replacing Taylor Schilling with an older Samantha Mathis. The third movie, which they’ve raised money for by mooching off of Kickstarter contributors, will continue this trend of complete re-casting to pretend like it was intentional.

Atlas Shrugged II continues the thrilling tale of Dagny Taggart and her amazing trains, Hank Reardon and his amazing steel, something about an amazing train engine, and the always mysterious John Galt, who continues to kidnap the best and the brightest around the country. Meanwhile, the government has instituted the stupidest economic plan in existence, and all the amazing and logical industrialists think it’s moronic because it is.

Some Notes:

• Available on Netflix, Amazon, and YouTube (for rent).
• Despite the horrible CGI, it's actually put to better use in Part II (crashing things instead of showing a train successfully and triumphantly crossing a bridge).
• Just remember that if you disagree with someone's wedding speech, be sure to interrupt with a rambling diatribe about the free market.
• If the judges at the government tribunal weren't such mealymouthed pantywaists, they might have tased Hank Reardon during his sovereign citizen rant.

Direct download.

Podcast: The Crow: Wicked Prayer (2005)

July 24, 2014, 8:49 pm

≫ Next: Podcast: Highlander: Endgame (2000)

≪ Previous: Podcast: Atlas Shrugged II: The Strike (2012)

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Your Stupid Minds continues its summer sequels series (once you do three in a row it's a series) with the fourth and final Crow movie made as of 2014: The Crow: Wicked Prayer! When tiny scumbag Jimmy Cuervo (Edward Furlong) is murdered by an all star team of Satanists, Cuervo is transformed by a magic crow into an instrument of embarrassingly dressed vengeance. Can pre-teen mall goth Crow overcome Tank from The Matrix, Tara Reid, MMA champion Tito Ortiz, and David Boreanaz over the course of one night, or will some sort of elaborate, ill-defined plan by the Satanists come to fruition?

And as if that all-star team of Satanists wasn't enough, the film features several notable guest stars, one of whom gives one of the worst performances we've seen on our podcast! It might not be who you think!

A rough idea of how women dress in this film.

Some Notes:

• We mention quite a few better films to check out if you haven't already, including the original Crow, Dead Man, and Billy Jack. 
• Despite being set on an Indian Reservation, not a single member of the principal cast is Native American.
• The movie apparently thinks there is no difference between ravens and crows, as Jimmy's name (Cuervo) is Spanish for "raven," and the Indian Reservation is named as the "Raven Aztec Reservation," and many reservation locations have a raven motif. Ravens are within the genus corvus, but in Spanish a carrion crow would be a "corneja." This concludes today's Spanish lesson.
• The Crow: Wicked Prayer was one of only two projects Boreanaz filmed between two nearly decade long runs on successful television shows. His other film? These Girls, a dramedy about three pre-college girls blackmailing Boreanaz, a "slightly older hunk," into having sex with them. Who knows what other classic roles he could've landed had Bones not been a big hit?
• The comic book character the Crow was created in 1989 to help a grieving James O'Barr deal with losing his girlfriend after she was killed by a drunk driver. The comic predates both Batman Returns and Catwoman, which use basically the same concept, except with cats bringing people to life for the purpose of vengeance.
• The Crow: Wicked Prayer is available on Netflix, Google Play, and Amazon sells the used DVD for one measly cent.

Direct Download.

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Podcast: Highlander: Endgame (2000)

August 7, 2014, 11:00 pm

≫ Next: Podcast: The Fly II (1989)

≪ Previous: Podcast: The Crow: Wicked Prayer (2005)

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We continue our theme of “Unnecessary Sequels Readily Available on Netflix Which Involve Immortality, Resurrection, and Christian-motifed Revenge Plots” to bring you our second reviewed Highlander movie: Highlander: Endgame!

Wiping away all memories of Highlander II: The Quickening, Endgame brings in the star of the Highlander television series Duncan MacLeod (Adrian Paul) as he carries the torch from the ridiculously haircutted Connor McLeod (Christopher Lambert). Evil highlander Jacob Kell (YSM favorite Bruce Payne) is killing highlanders in some elaborate 500 year old revenge plot, and it’s up to Duncan to stop him. There are also large gaps in the highlander mythos which we assume are filled by Highlander III: The Sorcerer and the television series, though Endgame does a poor job of bringing us into the fold. Mostly the movie is a mishmash of self-contradicting highlander rules enforced by either the Watchers, a mortal group calculating highlander power levels, or no one. It’s not entirely clear.

If you like horrible period drama wigs, a confusing confluence of western and eastern influences, and Bruce Payne mugging his way through the movie, Highlander: Endgame may be for you! We’ll do our best to nitpick highlander rules, contemplate the aggressive nature of immortal sex, and discuss the prevalence of the White Guy Karate throughout the film.

Some Notes:

• Please direct complaints to: Duncan MacLeod, 123 Highlander Street, Scotland.
• In adherence to Rule 34, here's a link to a Google search of Highlander slash fiction (probably NSFW). This genre has apparently lied dormant for a while, since most website devoted to the topic are still within a Highlander webring.
• If you're able to kill an immortal by cutting off its head, is it really an immortal?
• Available on Netflix and Amazon Instant Video.

Direct download.

Podcast: The Fly II (1989)

August 22, 2014, 9:07 pm

≫ Next: Podcast: Future-Kill (1985)

≪ Previous: Podcast: Highlander: Endgame (2000)

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The sequel everyone in 1989 had been demanding (it actually knocked Rain Man off the top of the box office charts), it's The Fly II! Featuring... one guy from the previous film, and some video footage of Jeff Goldblum as the Fly on VHS.

When Geena Davis's character from the original film dies in childbirth, evil businessman/science enthusiast Anton Bartok (Lee Richardson), has the baby raised in a lab, where he grows at super speed into the brilliant but somewhat awkward Eric Stoltz. Bartok hires Stoltz to continue his father's work into matter transporters, which he quickly uses to impress Beth Logan (Daphne Zuniga of Spaceballs) by failing to transport her cactus. As their romance blossoms, and Stoltz closes in on re-creating his father's work, he makes a startling discovery about a web of lies Bartok has told him.

Some Notes:

• Was Eric Stoltz's audition just a Blockbuster rental of Mask? Is this same casting process the reason Zoe Saldana keeps getting cast as different colors?
• The only actor to actually appear in both this and the original Fly is John Getz, star of Blood Simple.
• The Scientific Method: First phone, then cactus.
• Available on Netflix Instant.

Direct download.

Podcast: Future-Kill (1985)

September 5, 2014, 3:20 pm

≫ Next: Podcast: In the Blood (2014)

≪ Previous: Podcast: The Fly II (1989)

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We go back to our B movie roots with an independent sci-fi monster flick shot right here in the heart of Austin, Texas: 1985’s Future-Kill. Despite its ultra low budget and muddy cinematography, the filmmakers somehow convinced famed surrealist artist H.R. Giger to create the poster image, which is far and away a hundred times better than anything in the actual movie. Giger’s rendering of the main villain “Splatter” is mysterious, ghostly, and terrifying.

While Future-Kill’s Splatter looks like this.

After a brief intro with Splatter and Eddie, the leader of the mutant punk protest movement, Future-Kill moves over to a zany frat party full of a bunch of reprehensible frat dudes displaying amateurish pranks. The balding frat president says these no-goodniks must make up for their antics by performing the zaniest prank of all: go downtown into mutant territory and kidnap a gang member. Needless to say it does not go well and they end up running for their lives in a world without pay phones or public transportation.

Some Notes:

• For those of you who read Austin area theatre criticism, Austin Chronicle writer Robert Faires makes a brief appearance as the rival frat's president.
• Featuring two of the "stars" of the The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, if you consider "Hitchhiker" to be the main character.
• One bright spot of the second and third act slog is a brief visit to a punk club where they watch a band called Max and the Makeups. Even though it was almost certainly used for padding, it was still an enjoyable musical interlude.
• If you're keeping track at home, the frat guys are (from order of most horrible to least horrible): Jim Carrey, Fat Elvis/Steve, Balding Frat President, Rufus Sewell, Scrawny Guy, and Other Leader Scrawny Guy.
• We could not find it streaming anywhere online, but there is a horrible version in multiple installments on YouTube featuring awful "comedy" commentary, so avoid that at all costs and go rent it.

Direct download.

Podcast: In the Blood (2014)

September 18, 2014, 8:27 pm

≫ Next: Podcast: The Fog (2005)

≪ Previous: Podcast: Future-Kill (1985)

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Your Stupid Minds reviews a poorly titled action thriller In the Blood, starring former MMA standout turned action movie heroine Gina Carano. Join us as we discuss the long-awaited return of Danny Trejo, after literally three episodes without an appearance.


Carano marries a bland, blonde, handsome son of a rich businessman (Treat Williams), and after he is kidnapped during a bizarrely intricate plot, she becomes the top suspect of island law enforcement led by Luis Guzmán. Will Gina find her husband and kill a bunch of dudes? Is her character a psychotic, Michael Myers style villain, or the hero of this movie? What is proper zipline safety procedures? Tune in and find out!

Some Notes:

• Is it a victory for feminism that this is a believable female-led action vehicle, without much of the chixploitation stuff? Notably, Gina never pretends to be a prostitute, never tricks anyone into having sex as a prelude to murder, and the most sexualized thing she does is basically a variation of the Boz's trick in One Tough Bastard.
• What would Ken Shamrock, noted MMA-guy and pro wrestler, be like as an actor in an action movie? A personality who never really "acts," a la Steve Austin, or a blank slate who punches people? The question keeps Chris up at night.
• Nick appreciates the support of our many neck-tattooed listeners.
• Not on Netflix or Hulu, but available for streaming on Starz.

Direct download.

Podcast: The Fog (2005)

October 2, 2014, 5:42 pm

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Your Stupid Minds reviews SCARY MOVIES throughout October, so cover your eyes and prepare yourself for the spookiest jump scares and bloodless murders that the MPAA will allow at this particular rating threshhold. It’s Rupert Wainwright’s dull remake of John Carpenter’s somewhat flawed The Fog, but instead of early 1980s suspense it’s a mid-2000s Trajan-fonted teen slasher!


Nick Castle (Smallville’s Tom Welling) is a boat guy on the small Antonio Island, off the coast of Oregon. He takes tourists on his boat with his first mate Spooner (DeRay Davis) when the anchor snags on something… something GHOSTLY! Meanwhile Nick’s girlfriend Elizabeth (a non-kidnapped Maggie Grace) returns to the island, unaware of Nick’s affair with the sultry local DJ Stevie (Selma Blair). But all of this relationship drama is largely moot because ghost pirates show up.

Sadly not a ghost pirate in this movie.

2005’s The Fog splits the difference between Carpenter’s supernatural giallo influences and adds high-tension gore-less slasher suspense throughout. As a result the original plot makes little sense, such as when Elizabeth breezes through an entire 19th century journal as they outpace the fog in Nick’s truck. And based on the intentions of the ghostly beings inside the fog, many of the murders leading up to the denouement make little sense.

Some Notes:

• Some things that would have improved this movie: ghost leprosy deaths, blood, something interesting, the ghost pirates trying to frame Spooner.
• There is no name for a 135th anniversary, but 125th is a "Quasquicentennial."
• Available streaming on Netflix.

Direct download.